I know. I've been seriously negligent in my blogging duties. It is probably because the whole dating experiment didn't exactly go as planned. There was the aforementioned psycho and then there was a whole lot of nothing. Well, interject the reappearance of a couple of ex-boyfriends that show up periodically like cold sore before a first date; but for the most part, nothing. Perhaps it was because I was a little unnerved by bachelor #1, but really I think my failed attempts in the world of on line dating can be summed up in two words. Scar tissue. Yes, I'm going to elaborate. Why the hell else would I be writing?
Do you know how many single girlfriends I have over 30? Not even over 30, but over 35? More than I ever thought I would. And do you know how many I would say are an undeniable catch? Every single one of them. I know some phenomenal women. They are beautiful, funny, intelligent, successful, strong and yes, a little bit damaged. Biologically, I don't think we were meant to be alone for this long. Women's lib, God bless it, has afforded us the luxury of choices, and experiences and unlimited options. It's a wonderful world we live in. But, it can be lonely. And those experiences and choices don't always make for happy endings. In fact, I think what has made us so strong is the starting over, the rebuilding that we have to do after every failed attempt at redefining happily ever after. Despite our toughness we still fall victim to emotional bullets. The failed relationships, the first time you hear a family member say "IF you have have kids" instead of "WHEN you have kids", the well meaning friends who tell you that you "haven't changed a bit" as they plan their next family vacation are gut shots. But we sew up our wounds and they heal. Scar tissue. The next time, it hurts less. The bullet doesn't quite hit it's mark. You don't cry when a relationship ends, the comments roll off your back and the thought of not being a mom doesn't give you an anxiety attack anymore. Scar tissue. The problem is, I'm starting to think scar tissue doesn't just keep out the pain. It doesn't let the good in either.
I can barely remember the last time I was twitterpated. I mean truly stupid about someone. I used to love that silly, smitten feeling. Who doesn't? At the same time, it's been just as long since I've felt that gut wrenching pain that comes form letting go of a person, or what you thought that person represented. I'm not numb, but I'm not quit vulnerable anymore. So maybe this whole dating experiment was destined to fail. How are you supposed to find love when you are too war weary and hardened to be open to the joys and pains you might experience in the falling?
In writing this, I don't want you to think that I'm saying my single sisters of a certain age and I are unhappy. We have each other, good food, good times and more importantly, good wine. Nor should you believe we have given up on our version of the fairy tale. But behind these successful confident woman who can clearly take care of themselves are battle hardened vets. Tough, scarred and more than a little bit jaded, but still waiting for a cupid packing enough heat to score more than a flesh wound.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Top Ways To Tell Your Date is Bat Shit Crazy!
First of all, let me preface this entry with the following statements. I am attracted to emotionally damaged men. It takes a lot, and I mean a lot to make me think you are bat shit crazy. As my good friend Julie said, "Crazy we can handle. Throw in the bat shit and that's over the top." But for all my single pals out there, here are some clear indicators!
1. He becomes whiney and petulant when you suggest that you would like to continue to email/text/talk on the phone for another week before meeting and uses false flattery to coax you into date #1. FYI, Eharmony warns against people who push you into meeting too soon, however, in need of an ego boost, I agreed to meet up.
2. You are deliberately evasive about what neighborhood you live in or where exactly you work. You can't exactly put your finger on why, but it just seems like a safe bet.
3. He informs you that his most recent long term relationship ended in restraining orders.
4. He sees nothing wrong with sharing #3 with you.
5. After the date, that went extremely well despite the oversharing about the restraining orders, he proceeds to send texts that border on harrassing in their content and frequency. For example, asking you to come over approximately 23 times in a 2 hour period.
6. When told that the texts are making you uncomfortable he gets hostile and defensive.
7. The texts begin again the next day as if he doesn't remember the previous conversation.
8. He suggests you need a drink and you tell him you only like to drink once or twice a week. He says he drinks more than that. Oh yes, there was that shot of whiskey with his pasta at dinner, in additon to the 5 beers. You ask how much more, only to realize he has been drinking every day since you have started speaking to him. This may explain why he doesn't remember the previous request to stop texting things that make you uncomfortable.
9. You recall that he has told you that he's taking not 1, not 2, not 3, not 4 but 5 different medications that work to elevate his mood, eleviate anxiety and help him sleep. Good idea to mix those with alcohol. I'm sure there are no adverse side effects from that.
10. Because you really, really want to believe the best and he does have some other really great qualities, but most importantly because you don't want to admit you picked Mr. Wacko, you once again tell him that you really are interested in getting to know him more but you need things to slow down and the tone of his texts need to change. He responds with Fuck Off. You're Mean.
And that my friends is how you can tell your date is Bat Shit Crazy.
1. He becomes whiney and petulant when you suggest that you would like to continue to email/text/talk on the phone for another week before meeting and uses false flattery to coax you into date #1. FYI, Eharmony warns against people who push you into meeting too soon, however, in need of an ego boost, I agreed to meet up.
2. You are deliberately evasive about what neighborhood you live in or where exactly you work. You can't exactly put your finger on why, but it just seems like a safe bet.
3. He informs you that his most recent long term relationship ended in restraining orders.
4. He sees nothing wrong with sharing #3 with you.
5. After the date, that went extremely well despite the oversharing about the restraining orders, he proceeds to send texts that border on harrassing in their content and frequency. For example, asking you to come over approximately 23 times in a 2 hour period.
6. When told that the texts are making you uncomfortable he gets hostile and defensive.
7. The texts begin again the next day as if he doesn't remember the previous conversation.
8. He suggests you need a drink and you tell him you only like to drink once or twice a week. He says he drinks more than that. Oh yes, there was that shot of whiskey with his pasta at dinner, in additon to the 5 beers. You ask how much more, only to realize he has been drinking every day since you have started speaking to him. This may explain why he doesn't remember the previous request to stop texting things that make you uncomfortable.
9. You recall that he has told you that he's taking not 1, not 2, not 3, not 4 but 5 different medications that work to elevate his mood, eleviate anxiety and help him sleep. Good idea to mix those with alcohol. I'm sure there are no adverse side effects from that.
10. Because you really, really want to believe the best and he does have some other really great qualities, but most importantly because you don't want to admit you picked Mr. Wacko, you once again tell him that you really are interested in getting to know him more but you need things to slow down and the tone of his texts need to change. He responds with Fuck Off. You're Mean.
And that my friends is how you can tell your date is Bat Shit Crazy.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Doing it the .com way....
Being 36 and single is easy. I like not having anyone to answer to. I like being able to go where I want and not having to clear it with someone else. I have my own money and I don't need yours. I like having the whole couch to myself and the remote too. I like folding my clothes 2 days after I get them out of the dryer. My dog sleeps on my bed. Deal with it. And I like eating an artichoke for dinner and ice cream for breakfast. In hindsight, the ice cream for breakfast probably contributed to the 30lb weight gain so that was a mistake on my part, however that's a different blog topic. Anyway, I digress. Like I said, being alone is easy for me. However, I've always thought that I would be a mom. And for me being a mom means finding that one person that I want to start a family with. Yes, I know I can have a baby on my own. Many women out there do. I'm not sure I'm that woman though. So here I sit, someone who has perfected the art not needing anyone (like many of my 30 something counter parts) but quickly realizing that maybe I need to get serious about this. So, what's a woman to do that is too old for the bar scene, and works 50 hours a week? Online dating of course!
This isn't the first time I've gone this route. And interestingly enough, I was pretty successful at it. I make a pretty decent first impression, I have no problem letting someone buy me dinner or drinks, and usually I got 2nd, 3rd, 4th or even a short term relationship out of the deal. However, that was 4 years ago. I'm older now. At least that's what EHarmony is telling me. Because even though I've adjusted my criteria, I'm still getting paired with men 10 to 12 years my senior. They say they also take level of attractiveness into consideration when creating matches, and even though I know that I have let some breakfast ice cream go to my thighs, and middle, I still think I'm pretty decent looking. EHarmony apparently does not share the view that I am still an attractive woman though because I have so far been paired with a pedophile looking/mustache wearing 50 year old, and a guy that can only be described as looking like Mary's retarded brother in the movie Something about Mary. And my matches are so intense. One of the questions is to name 3 things you are most thankful for. I too am thankful for my vision so that I can take in a beautiful sunset and my hearing so that I can hear the sound of children laughing, but SERIOUSLY!? I said white out. You know why, because I freakin love white out! And because if you can't laugh at something like that, I don't want to date you!
Although EHarmony is proving to be a bit much for me, I'm not giving up! I'm actually just thinking it's time to play the odds so to speak and really put myself out there. I've already posted on Match.com and I'm looking at a few others too. My dating debacles have been entertaining my married and single friends for years. Last years relationship with my own personal Nigerian email scam being a prime example, as is the risotto incident of 2010. So I'm going to allow those of you who are interested share in the highs, the lows, the mustaches, the greasy gold chain wearing euro trash (that was today's Match.com selection) and maybe if I'm lucky we can find the man of my dreams.
This isn't the first time I've gone this route. And interestingly enough, I was pretty successful at it. I make a pretty decent first impression, I have no problem letting someone buy me dinner or drinks, and usually I got 2nd, 3rd, 4th or even a short term relationship out of the deal. However, that was 4 years ago. I'm older now. At least that's what EHarmony is telling me. Because even though I've adjusted my criteria, I'm still getting paired with men 10 to 12 years my senior. They say they also take level of attractiveness into consideration when creating matches, and even though I know that I have let some breakfast ice cream go to my thighs, and middle, I still think I'm pretty decent looking. EHarmony apparently does not share the view that I am still an attractive woman though because I have so far been paired with a pedophile looking/mustache wearing 50 year old, and a guy that can only be described as looking like Mary's retarded brother in the movie Something about Mary. And my matches are so intense. One of the questions is to name 3 things you are most thankful for. I too am thankful for my vision so that I can take in a beautiful sunset and my hearing so that I can hear the sound of children laughing, but SERIOUSLY!? I said white out. You know why, because I freakin love white out! And because if you can't laugh at something like that, I don't want to date you!
Although EHarmony is proving to be a bit much for me, I'm not giving up! I'm actually just thinking it's time to play the odds so to speak and really put myself out there. I've already posted on Match.com and I'm looking at a few others too. My dating debacles have been entertaining my married and single friends for years. Last years relationship with my own personal Nigerian email scam being a prime example, as is the risotto incident of 2010. So I'm going to allow those of you who are interested share in the highs, the lows, the mustaches, the greasy gold chain wearing euro trash (that was today's Match.com selection) and maybe if I'm lucky we can find the man of my dreams.
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